Feelings

Lama tak update blog, in Malay some more. But I need an outlet to write that is not Twitter. Some place yang sangat jarang orang stumble upon.

Excuse my rojak language but this is one post I don't want to proofread too much.

This has been quite a day. My morning was spent feeling empty inside and trying to get rid of the feeling. Trying to psycho myself into doing work and despite my brain being unable to function with the awful hollow feeling, I got some work done. So yeay me.

Why the awful hollow feeling...?

Because I'm trying to empty myself of feelings. So I don't feel hopeful. Or desperate. Or falling into something which I don't have control over.

Because demmit I need some amount of control for the next 2 weeks or so.

By evening that awful emptiness disappears from the core of my body - I did some more work that managed to distract me and finally forced myself to eat something substantial and also, got mad over HLP application - so I managed to feel like myself again.

Except there's still that lingering feeling, like there's a hole in my heart.

I have never felt like this before. Ever.

And here I thought feeling butterflies in my tummy and a fluttering heart is something like a malady, or maybe even a nightmare.

I felt zero butterflies. Zero flutters.

Only a sense of complete serenity. Comfort, like coming home to someone you have long missed.

This is getting quite cheesy. And this is why I need to pen this down.

Hopefully, if I can get it out of my system and see it in written words like this, I'd see just how ridiculous it sounds. And laugh at myself for being so melancholic.

So far it's working.

I am kinda proud of myself for having such control. 5, 6 years ago I could never have done this.

Maybe time does teach you a thing or two.

And thank you Allah, for this relief and respite you gave me. It is still astounding how quickly He answers my doa. Each and every one of them.

After all, He knows best. I regret nothing and I am grateful for everything.

Alhamdulillah ❤️